will you ever read this?
will you even read this?
we have seen the darkest side of freedom
flags on staffs wielded as weapons
the misinterpretation of Gadsden
the Battle Flag of Northern Virginia
co-opted by a misinformed majority
a context to perpetuate points of view
that could be only be described as expiring.
who do you want to be, America?
what is American Exceptionalism?
is it a Department of Defense masquerading as a
unique entity, a projection of strength,
which actually exists as a social works program.
( shhhh, don’t tell anyone….” )
how does your Socialism feel?
we have seen the Pettus Bridge
we have persevered beyond Mississippi,
when it was burning.
hearing fifteen year old girls in Arkansas
casually drop the N Word in private
to musicians from the North
who were making money in the South,
led us to leave town, and drive to the next gig
we have seen America.
we have seen the darkest side of freedom.
it is a bomb perpetuated in Oklahoma City
it is a cult siege in Waco
it is a White Bronco heading slowly
down the freeway,
while helicopters hover in place.
we have seen Ferguson and Minneapolis,
Breonna Taylor’s killers
still walk among us.
we have seen America
lay waste to the thatch huts,
to the Baghdad neighborhoods,
as clearly as we have seen
the tank brigades in the hedgerows
and landing craft on the beachhead.
we have seen the protests-
to dismantle Wall Street
to defund the Police
to dismantle The State
where is the future we all subscribe to?
Exceptionalism requires a definition of Quality,
without maintenance, quality ceases to exist.
without maintenance, quality ceases to exist.
without maintenance, quality ceases to exist.
(thematic inspiration from Robert Pirsig)
i am the exile, the dreamer,
i am the ghost who blesses the slumber of your sleep.
i am the autumnal draft which crosses your pillow in the night.
little spacey, i am the skeleton who sleeps in your closet,
i am the turner of the doorknob in the dark.
i drift beneath the celestial sphere, and i find you.
we meet there, behind the black of bleakest soul,
when eden whispers her sweet mysteries
and the moon droops beneath the stars –
we meet behind this balcony to heaven,
deep down inside this dream,
deep down inside your sigh
our spirits dance,
and we are dazzled to love
(composed in 1993)
our next door neighbors on Ashby Street
were a decade older than my parents.
they felt an intrinsic responsibility to
impact their wisdom on our young family.
their most consequential advice
was to have our family join
the congregational church
that they belonged to-
in the City of Groton.
my Father never attended the services
my Mother ascribed to,
following the recommendation of our respected
neighbors. She was the one to wake up early
on Sunday; to get my brother and me
into the appropriate clothes, and the appropriate attitude
to mingle with the good Christians recommended to my mother.
what i did not know at the time
was that my Father was literally
incapable of attending a church service.
the car shuffled to a slow stop;
about a hundred yards from the entrance
to the highway exit that led to our house.
“ok, Richie, i need you to walk to Nana’s house,
you know where that is, right? near Ocean View but closer
to the Ice House. do you know where i’m talking about?”
our house was located at 56 Ocean View Avenue,
two blocks below the intersection
of US Rt. 1 and the Ocean View Avenue.
Nana was my Father’s best friend’s mother,
Polish for “Grandmother”
my Portuguese Grandmother was known as
her residence was my destination;
following the command of my Mother,
at the end of the exit ramp.
a two mile walk was of no consequence
to me- i would have walked as far as
she instructed me to.
when i arrived at the home of the Hoinsky Matriarch,
my parents best friends were waiting for me.
“where is Linda?”
“she’s at the entrance to town, at the foot of Exit 89…..
i had walked two miles
in an effort to help my Mother.
no one thanked me for making the trek.
i was an afterthought in the “rescue” of my Mother.
i was fortunate to be drafted as a nine year old,
added to an expansion team of our Local Little League.
that was not something to bring up
in the schoolyard.
at the end of an early season Little League practice, it became apparent
three players waiting for their parents
to arrive late would be revealed.
i immediately decided that walking away,
toward the parking lot, that would allow me a certain plausibility.
if i made a run for it…
on my own…
the driveway of the Ramada Inne
that sponsored my Little League team
was where my Mother spotted me,
i would catch the yellow of her Volkswagen Bug
out of my peripheral vision,
as she makes an abrupt left turn.
“why are you out here? why are you walking
home? why did you leave the practice?” my mother’s voice was forceful,
withholding an inherent terror.
i realized that negating a public embarrassment
was paramount, and it did not rest exclusively
within the wealthy families of Mystic.
it was an incisive insight.
youth football had a very low
return on investment for a five foot one inch
who would have been a soccer player in Stonington Borough,
but grew up on the Groton side
of the Mystic Village.
few of the neighborhood kids
who participated in Little League Baseball
arrived at that first football practice.
i was there. and i realized that certain families in town,
whose kids participated in Little League Baseball
were not present in this public sphere.
the rationale for youth football was
a clash with a neighboring town
according to an accumulated sense
the parents against the parents, articulated within the specious
of their children.
i was a first round draft pick,
but my mother had yet to arrive
after the practice.
i was petrified to be the last player
in the parking lot, holding the coach up
in an untenable situation.
i decided to simply walk home.
i decided to disappear.
i walked into the woods between the
junior high practice fields,
and our neighborhood; higher up the valley
than the basin.
i felt confident no one would find me
as i followed President Carter’s “Fitness Trail”
built by federal funds,
to encourage a more healthy population.
i emerged from the woods,
onto Prospect Avenue.
i was quite scared of the Judson Avenue climb,
toward Ocean View Avenue.
a woman had just set the weekly trash
at the curbside, as i passed in heavy breaths.
a cavalcade of tears.
“do you need to call somebody?”
“yeah…. can i call my Mother….?”
“of course you can……”
during the decade
of my childhood
revolved around what my parents
for my sixth birthday, my mother booked an event,
in a private room
off of the main seating area
at the local McDonald’s.
parents could rent a room for a
celebration, and skip the lines
at the counter,
for double cheeseburgers,
or the Happy Meal.
we were sheltered under public park structures,
at the second stage of my celebration;
anticipating the rain
which was a frequent factor
of an early June birthday.
Bates Woods was a small woodland
park in the neighboring town of
New London. to the kids invited to the party,
it represented the City.
after all, there
was a Monkey House at Bates Woods.
there was nothing resembling a zoo
in Mystic, especially
if we discounted the mammals
in our public aquarium,
a picnic commenced. the park grills,
covered in an excess of soot,
were nonetheless utilized.
as the final hot dog,
and the final burger
were slapped onto
the wicker basket plastic plate holders,
the rain announced itself.
“hey kids, let’s head
to the Monkey House! you can leave
your plates here
at the table.”
my mother, trying to control
led the group of us to the Monkey House.
the other moms present had to
deal with the aftermath of a picnic
in the rain.
“it’s ok Linda, we can clean this up.
take the kids to see the monkeys!”
i could sense the subtext of her statement…..
“i would rather clean up this mess than
deal with the Monkey House.”
the structure was built with
cinder blocks, the cages were
anchored into an industrial
definition of confinement.
these mammals were imprisoned,
to maximize my
during the 1970’s, even in my small riverside village,
a certain social order revolved around
what type of swimming pool
was installed on your property.
the scientist who installed the first
solar panels i had ever seen
did not have a pool.
he filled a cheap plastic substitute,
bought at the local discount store,
with cold water from the garden hose.
the businessman, who ran a recycling plant,
installed a solar blanket,
to keep their in ground pool
at a consistent temperature.
he openly invited us to swim
and share what his children,
who were our friends,
were privileged to know.
my best friends in the neighborhood;
a set of identical twins,
were the fortunate recipients of an
above ground pool-
twice the size my parents could afford.
the Eastman’s house was exactly halfway between
my house and the twins.
they also had a pool. it was surrounded by a wooden deck,
and a traditional slat fence where the Eastman’s
had hung a few humorous signs dictated by that
particular decade. the wooden signs were held
by loose framing wire on exposed
nails which were already showing signs of rust.
“i don’t swim in your toilet-
don’t pee in my pool.”
my family, under some social duress,
bought an entry level pool
at the local discount store.
i was surprised my parents felt a need
to keep up with the Eastmans,
or the Carpenters, or the Peters.
were they actualizing equality,
or an illusion?
it was about their own
the local firehouse was located
a city block from my childhood home.
we were not in a city- however the opening of the firehouse doors,
and the initial blare of the sirens,
were intoxicating to us; the unknowing dictated our attention.
everything would cease
as we tried to catch a glimpse
of the deep red vehicles
as they exited
under the perforated glass walls
that would would ceremoniously rise
after the alarm.
the trucks never had to enter
into our neighborhood.
in the twilight of this evening,
as i toweled off, pleading
for one last minute in the pool;
we heard the first siren.
“they are coming down the Avenue.”
stated my mother, with an unavoidably
she was correct, as we heard the tires of the firetrucks
grind as they took the right hand turn onto
ambulances from various districts
began to appear,
the Hoxie Hook and Ladder arrived in support.
as we watched the distress unfold,
we crept closer to the fire.
“where is Jeremy? have you seen him?”
i watched my mother ask my father
he had no answer to.
the sirens continued to commandeer
the frequency of an emergency.
i suddenly understood their temporary
i followed my mother down the Avenue,
as she began asking anyone in earshot, out of desperation,
“have you seen Jeremy….?”
“hey Mom, i’m over here…”
he was standing next to one of the firetrucks,
whose tires towered over him.
“that tire could have killed you!”
“i just wanted to watch…”
i walked briskly past the Eastmans driveway,
toward our house,
toward what i anticipated was coming next.
i overheard the Fire Chief ask Mr. Eastman if the Fire Department
could drain his pool to fight the fire.
my father moved into a first floor apartment
of an old Victorian house at the edge
of the Thames River.
i enjoyed the every other weekend
arrangement of the divorce.
his apartment was so unlike
my home during the other
twenty seven days of the month.
the old, creaky floors provided a soothing comfort.
the whitewashed plaster walls
crumbling in slow motion, however,
barely held the ancient
sinks in place.
my brother and i slept on two inflatable
beach rafts in my father’s cramped bedroom, just off the kitchen.
late night odors would wake me,
when his roommate returned from a night out on the town.
hastily heating frozen pirogi
with a hint of
my father and his roommate, Charlie
were in strict observance of their
commitment to watch televised games of the
National Football League.
Miller Brewing of Milwaukee, Wisconsin
spent excessively, promoting
their Lite Beer
on those broadcasts.
while staring jealousy at the
inside cover art of the
J. Geil’s Band’s “Full House” live LP,
i overhead my father’s voice
following a particular Lite Beer commercial.
“we can win that contest! i have an idea that
the Milwaukee brewer had created
a contest- the best holiday display
integrating their product would win
a year of free beer.
the contestants had to submit
their photographic proof
by the 29th of November.
the two of them decided to appropriate
a shopping cart, on uneven wheels,
from the local grocery store
to house their harvest;
and the possibility
of an entire calendar year of free beer.
the majority of an NFL season
of Lite Beer cans
were meticulously rinsed out,
and placed in the grocery cart
outside the backdoor,
beside the rust ridden aluminum garbage cans.
the weekend after Thanksgiving
was a scheduled stay with my father.
he and Charlie started decorating a small tree
they cut down on the property of a co-worker
who owned land in the quiet corner;
with beer cans from a shopping cart
to compete in a corporate contest.
i watched as the two of them
meticulously bent beer tabs
into the proper position
to hang the can with the same traditional ornament hooks
my mother took care to recycle
after each Christmas celebration.
i could not remember a holiday season
where my father actualized such an
attention to the detail of holiday decoration.
he was fully convinced of the importance of the contest;
at one point he asked Charlie
to adjust the string of lights
to better reflect off of the aluminum cans.
we spent Christmas Eve with a few co-worker friends of my mother;
young girls working at the nursing home
trying to get ahead in their nascent working lives.
their small apartment was fashioned to feel celebratory,
but i simply wanted to be alone
with headphones and a stack of 8 track tapes.
they gifted my brother and me
a dart board set,
which my mother immediately confiscated.
during our way home from that event,
my mother decided to take the long way to Mystic,
circling back through the City of Groton
to scout what may be happening at my father’s apartment
on Christmas Eve.
she was correct; which she consistently reminded us of.
he was throwing a party,
with his roommate,
at the apartment.
as we traversed the icy sidewalk
from the car to the front door,
i was running through the scenarios
i would inevitably have to be in the middle of,
when my father came face to face with my mother
on this night.
“you are hosting a party tonight?” she hissed through closed teeth.
“yeah, why wouldn’t i?”
“because it’s Christmas Eve, and you
should have thought of your kids first.
but you had to think of yourself first, again….”
i could sense the tension throughout the room;
the dissipation of the energy to
have a good time,
and the host who was being confronted
by the mother of his children,
with his kids present.
“nice fucking tree!!!” were my mother’s
last words to him as she escorted
us across the threshold of the back door,
which i always reminded myself
not to trip over
on weekends with my father.
my family moved to a neighborhood
that sprouted up during the post-war period,
around an elementary school
that was built in 1953.
the expansive playing fields of the school
were our dominion.
street hockey until the first snow,
nerf football before class and at recess,
whiffleball nearly year round,
baseball after the Little League season ended.
occasionally, a kid from the neighborhood
would forget a baseball glove on the playground,
which would still be there the next day.
i’m sure a certain bicyclist regrets
that allowed a particular bicycle
to be left behind.
it was a lazy autumn afternoon at the playground.
other than my brother and me, there were only
two other kids there that Saturday.
the Judson brothers were notoriously
known as “mischievous.”
under no circumstance would we accept
an offer of a Friday night sleepover,
much less ask our parents for permission.
we were halfheartedly competing
at the tetherball court; the Judson brothers being fairly
inept athletically. during an interruption in play, one of the Judson’s
noticed a single bicycle, at the bike rack,
“hey, is that bike unlocked?”
my first thought was that he wanted to steal
the bike, which seemed to be a disastrous position
to take. even though i was only in the 7th grade, the implications
of such a crime seemed inescapable.
“let’s show them a lesson! let’s make them
never leave their bike behind again!”
a consensus was reached to
vandalize the bicycle,
under the stairs at the back
of the gymnasium.
i knew this endeavor was wrong,
in spirit and letter,
and yet i followed my brother
and the Judson’s slowly rolling
the bike up the incline
to the dank, dirt floor cave
below the gymnasium’s concrete steps,
beer cans and liquor bottles
the school janitor hadn’t caught up to
after an early 80’s teen summer.
the bike was propped up
on it’s kickstand
when the kids went to work.
i stood in silence, afraid to confront them
which might result in them turning
on me, in a similar manner in which
they were unleashing unbridled violence
onto this inanimate object.
a loose brick deflated the tires
and mangled the spokes and rims.
a broken bottle shredded
the soft foam seat,
metal cans scraped at the factory paint.
i did nothing to stop it.
my bus stop in seventh grade was at the end
of Overlook Drive, at the junction of Capstan Avenue.
the Judson’s house was within sight at that corner.
the Tuesday after the bike incident, at 8AM,
while i was waiting for the number 7 bus,
i watched as two Town police squad cars
pull into the Judson’s driveway.
i quickly surmised there were two possibilities;
one would be defined by police evidence,
that the Judson brothers were guilty.
the other was they were going to blame it on me.
in the two hours between getting on that bus
and hearing my name over the intercom,
i had thought through every possible
“Ms. Rogers, could you please
excuse Ellery Twining to the Principals office?”
“Yes, of course.”
the gaze of my classmates was intrusive
and inescapable, as they were in disbelief that “little Ellery”
might face disciplinary action.
i, however, knew something that
they did not.
there would be police officers
in that office
when i arrived; slack shouldered.
when i arrived at the small
cinder block office, with industrial desks
and battleship swivel chairs,
my mother was waiting for me.
“get your fucking ass in the car…..”
her tone suggested an equivalent definition of her anger,
were we not in public.
my younger brother was already in the VW Bug,cowering
behind the driver’s seat.
“i get a phone call at work from the Town police?
at work? on a fucking Tuesday?!?
the goddamn police
called me at work
because of YOU TWO!”
i knew intrinsically
what YOU TWO meant.
i was the guilty party.
i should have stopped it.
i should have never let my brother
the entire episode;
it was obviously my fault.
as we entered the police station,
a uniformed officer guided us into the
proper interrogation room.
there were four people present-
my brother, my mother, the
“we have already questioned the Judson brothers,
so i need you to tell me the truth. ok?”
“i was there, and i didn’t do anything to
stop it.” i replied.
“so, you personally did not damage
the bicycle in question?”
“no, i didn’t. but i didn’t stop them either…”
“does that imply that your brother was involved?”
“i didn’t stop him….”
“ok, we’re done here for now,
but i don’t ever want to
see you again.”
“you will not” i replied
following my step-father’s funeral,
family secrets were revealed.
“do you remember Mark from Montville?”
“mom, what did the police tell you after
the bike episode
with the Judson brothers?”
“they knew you were innocent, that your brother
and those kids initiated it.
but they wanted to scare you, and you were
such an easy target.”
that lesson taught me the value of invisibility.
because i wanted them to destroy the bicycle.
i wanted to witness the event.
i wanted to punish the kids who could afford
to forget their bike at school.
as the blows from the brick
were applied to the tires,
i was fully aware that this was the definition
on game days, my mother would fill paper grocery bags
with popcorn cooked on our kitchen
stove. the pots were lined with a thin layer
of vegetable oil, heated to the point
where kernels popped on contact.
these bags of popcorn kept the kids
distracted during the tedious
company softball games.
my father had achieved the position
of manager for the company team.
it was a desirable position within the
Pfizer Athletic Department;
and he was quite aware of that.
the Pfizer team participated in tournaments
throughout Greater Southeastern Connecticut.
my brother and me
spent many weekends in
Baltic, Norwich, and Stonington;
collecting empty soda and beer
cans in exchange for soda and bubble gum
at the concession stand.
my mother’s first boyfriend
after my father walked out,
loved his Coca-Cola.
he bought it in 40 oz. bottles,
a quarter inch thick, with impeccable
label printing. the deposit value was
clearly marked on the paper banded neck.
“40 cent deposit”
he would give my brother and me
five empty Coke bottles
every Friday night.
that worked out to $1.00 for each of us.
we applied this approach on the
gravel parking lots of various
municipal recreation areas.
maximize the potential.
the tournaments were a temporary
we tried to make the best of it.
i kept thinking someone would ask us:
“hey, why are you kids going through the garbage?”
during our search for